The Freudian Nip
Updated: Nov 20, 2019
Sorry if this post qualifies as TMI, but this anecdote is a perfect example of me and the ridiculous things I do on a daily basis, so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share it.
Yesterday I went for my annual bubbie* exam. Not a mammo, a sonogram. Most of you probably haven’t had one of those but I have “a family history”, so….I won’t give all of the gory details but I think both men and women can imagine the degrading, mortifying, terrifying and uncomfortable scene of a bubbie exam. Now stop trying to imagine it, you sickos!
So there I was, lying on my back while the sonogram technician (a woman) did her thing. My nose started to itch, and it was the kind of itch that just wasn’t going to go away. The more I tried to ignore it, the itchier it got. Standard predicament. Every few seconds the technician paused and snapped a picture on the computer. I was left wondering if the fact that she was taking so many pictures meant that she had seen something suspicious or whether she just had to take x number of pictures in x positions. I started to analyze her facial expressions and she looked concerned. Oy. It’s also really uncomfortable to be staring into the eyes of the person performing the sonogram. Double oy.
At this point my nose was really itchy and I didn’t want to move my arm to scratch it lest I should somehow disrupt the tech’s process and cause her to miss something. But, eventually, I couldn’t wait anymore so I gently and slowly raised my arm to tickle my nose and on the way back down…I grazed the technician’s bubbie with my hand. Oy. For the third time.
I apologized and she said it was ok, but she looked more than a wee bit embarrassed. I wondered if she thought that I did it purposely, as a way to even things out. Then I wondered if I DID do it purposely (subconsciously) as a way to even things out. DEAR FREUD, WHAT’S THE STORY HERE? IS MY SUBCONSCIOUS ABLE TO CREATE AN ITCHY NOSE SO THAT I CAN EVEN THE SCORE WITH THE ULTRASOUND TECH??? What is wrong with me??? Why can’t I just keep my hands to myself???
So there you have it. If you thought the sonogram in and of itself was awkward, trust me when I say that going to mutual second base with the technician was even more awkward. Maybe next time I’ll have a male tech. 🙂
*You know, “bubbies”: a less clinical way of saying “breasts.”