Online Dating for 3-Year-Olds
Hi! I’m Axel, and I’m 42 months old. I don’t really know what that means, but every time my mommy says it people roll their eyes.
I’m so excited to begin this online dating journey! I’ll start off with a little bit about me:
· I tried to meet a girl the old-fashioned way (in my 3’s program), but they were all too advanced. Can you believe they knew how to pee IN the potty?? I still pee ON the potty. They found that gross. Also, they were able to put on their own jackets – without doing the flip! – and write their names, whereas I still don’t know the alphabet.
· My interests include long walks on the beach (carried by my mommy), cuddling (with my mommy), going to fancy dinners (that I ruin), playing board games ("I'll be the winner"), exercise (I pulled out my mommy’s last clump of hair!), and waking up at 5:30 to torture everyone—I mean, play with trains.
· Favorite Movie: Do you mean favorite lovie?
· Favorite Sport: running away from my mommy, naked and wet, after a bath. I call it “fetch.”
· Favorite Food: whatever my mommy didn’t make for dinner.
· Favorite Activity: instigating fights with my siblings and then pretending I’m the victim.
· Favorite Quote: “Stop hitting! I’m putting you in time out.” I hear that one A LOT.
· Previous Relationships: I haven’t dated much – I guess you could say I’m a Mama’s Boy.
· Most Irrational Fear: Someone giving me the wrong sippy cup.
· Craziest Thing I’ve Ever Done: I once ate a full meal without screaming!
· Can Be Overheard Saying: “I ASKED FOR PENNE. THIS IS RIGATONI. UGHHHHH. DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF???”
· Find My Lie: 1) I’ll eat whatever you make; 2) I washed my hands; 3) I brushed my teeth; 4) I don’t have to pee; 5) none of the above.
But enough about me. I want to hear about you! I’m pretty easy-going, so I don’t have too many requirements for a potential girlfriend. Here are a few:
· Must. Love. Dogs. Jk, I’m terrified of dogs, so my family can’t get one. Suckers!
· Must. Love. Lovies. If you don’t love my lovies, I have no room for you in my life. Sorry to be blunt, but I don’t want to waste your time. My lovies will always come first.
· Must be able to Velcro my shoes in just the right way: not too tight and not too loose.
· Must warm the moisturizer in your hands before putting it on my body after a bath.
· Must be willing to read me the same book every night before bed.
· Must enjoy picking up stray socks.
· Must cook my pasta for exactly 9 minutes.
· Must keep the fridge fully-stocked with apples (red only), grapes (sliced in quarters), American cheese (orange), and whole milk (organic).
· Must be willing to make me an entire meal that I’ve asked for, even though you know I won’t eat it.
· Must do laundry every day because there’s only one pair of pajamas that I’ll wear.
· Must remember to cut the crusts cut off my peanut butter sandwiches, but not my turkey sandwiches.
· Must lie on my floor for exactly 34 minutes while I fall asleep.
· Must pretend that you’re not going to buy me a toy when shopping for birthday presents for my friends, but then eventually give in after I scream for a few minutes.
· Must serve only locally-sourced, sustainable, organic foods. Yes, even the mac n cheese.
Like I said, easy peasy!
Anyway, if you think we might be a good match, have your mommy call my mommy. My best hour of the day for get togethers is 2:00pm-3:00pm, except on the days that it isn’t. Also, don’t forget to bring me a juice box! My favorite is cran-apple, and I like it chilled but then removed from the fridge about 30 minutes before I drink it. I can’t wait to see where this goes!
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